Moroccan Woman’s Struggle: Bipolar Diagnosis, Early Marriage, and Depression in France

"[...] The death of my grandfather and my academic failure, these changes have really disturbed me. I was depressed for at least three years," confides Amina to Europe 1. At 21, she got married and then settled in Morocco where her husband was a teacher. She decides to return to France with her children seven years later because of her illness that wouldn’t let go. "For me, it was a shock to go back to live there. [...] I realized that I had not adapted. I was depressed [...]," she recounts.

Back in France, her depression catches up with her for several years. "I was able to work, but unfortunately I was overtaken by the illness every time," she says. After ten years of distance from her husband, he returned to France because I was not able to properly raise the children. He has been back for a year. It was going well at first. When he settled in, we each had our own habits. It’s very hard to live together."

"At home, it’s my cocoon. Even if it’s going badly outside, I’m fine at home. Now he’s there. For example, I find him in my room, when I just want to be alone and breathe for two hours. I try to explain it to him, but there are things he doesn’t want to hear. Last year, I was hospitalized for three months. I had no choice, I no longer got up, I no longer did anything. My two children are always on the alert. It’s also a suffering for them to see their mother like that," she continues.

"My husband came back to straighten out the children, but he was a bit violent. I had to make it clear because I didn’t accept it. It revolts me. When they argue, I try to calm them down. But when it’s big arguments, I’m overwhelmed. When I make a remark to him, he acts as if he doesn’t hear anything. He tells me: "If my education doesn’t suit you, take care of yourself!" The situation has become unbearable. Her husband is very homebody. He only goes out to work, but he doesn’t have many hours.

"Despite my illness, I’m dynamic. I go to him to tell him that the path we’re taking isn’t good, that we should take a little distance because it’s not getting better. We don’t have normal intimate relationships," adds Amina, who feels "lost."

"I would like to be happy, but I feel like we haven’t found the way, she laments. It’s as if something is blocking us from being happy. The eldest realizes it because he complains too. It tires me out because when his father makes a remark to him, he comes to see me. My husband wants to establish an authority that is not suitable for their age. I feel like he doesn’t realize they’ve grown up. He had lost his role as a dad, he’s getting back into it and it’s not easy."